Giving a Hoot

What Duolingo teaches me about relationships

Bonjour, Mes Amours!

When I started Duolingo in 2020, I knew it would help me communicate in other other countries, especially for all those times that I urgently need to share with a local, “My horse wants coffee.” But I didn’t realize how much it would help me understand connection and relationships on a deeper level. So even though there’s still no option to study Spouse-ish or to get fluent in Apologese, keep reading for owl the ways to practice your vulnerability vocab and your tension tenses whether you’re a streaker or not.

Their, I fixed it!

When I get something wrong in a lesson, it usually just takes a second to recognize and correct what I did … or so I thought. Sometimes it’s still wrong even after I’ve corrected one part of it.

What’s really fascinating is my mini-moment of outrage when that happens: “What?! I already fixed it, GOD Duo get off my back … oh.”

Having worked with couples for years, I know this experience intimately. Most of us are okay with feedback, even if it’s not our fave. But as we work to resolve the issue, and we either miscalculate or realize there’s more complexity there, every instance of redirection (as the giver AND the receiver) raises the stakes on our frustration.

What Duolingo helps me with the muscle memory of not taking it personally when I’ve been working really hard on something to improve our dynamic, and then we notice another piece that could use TLC too.

It also helps me as the giver of feedback to be prepared for multiple revisits when we don’t resolve the issue on the first couple tries.

Catfish got your tongue?

One of the most shocking things I noticed was the difference between my in-app confidence and what happened when I spoke to a real person. Talk about putting the “Duo” in Two-Faced!

You should see me during lessons; my phone dings every second, I remember obscure words from last year, and even Lily is proud of me. If Duolingo was its own country, I would be strutting around in a beret, describing what kind of curtains I want in my hotel room, and tourists would be asking me for directions. But when I ran into a new neighbor and found out he was from France, I didn’t just forget all my French. I almost forgot English too.

Of course this makes sense; it’s a completely different skill to have a real conversation with someone about things in the moment, versus playing a computer game. But what really surprised me was the depth, and even the despair of my internal monologue (come to think of it, Lily would probably appreciate that too.)

All these primal intense thoughts came up that seemed way bigger than the situation: “What’s wrong with you?” “Why have you been wasting all this time learning if you’re not going to use it?” “You’re being SO rude right now — you’re not even just making this person uncomfortable, you’re denying their very essence!”

Logically I know that it’s not that big a deal. But you know what it reminded me of? Back when I was first reading relationship books and devouring Gottman training courses, I was so excited to approach conversations differently with Zach. But in the heat of the moment, even if I could remember the recommendations, I felt even more disconnected and unequipped than I did before, because now I had the expectation that I should know what to do … but still really didn’t. The partner I imagined myself being from the safety of the conference room when I was learning new approaches to couples work, was such a different person than the clumsy defensive girlie who actually showed up to conversations.

I see this with couples I work with too; the frustration of being a beginner with the pressure of being an apprentice. It’s like an intimacy internship, but instead of getting the boss coffee, she asks you to run the board meeting!

What Duolingo teaches me is that the literal communication skills are just the tip of the iceberg. Managing the underlying feelings around belonging, generosity, understanding, and expectations … that’s the real work that allows for true connection. Growing up as an English-speaker, it’s been rare for me to be in a position of not being able to communicate with someone because of a literal language barrier. But what I realized from being a Duolingo Catfish was that when we have no one to blame for communication mishaps, it’s both humbling and empowering. I’m sure there’s a perfect word for it in German, but I’m only on Section Three of that one.

Fight, flight, or streak freeze

Guys. My streak is currently at 1479 days. And I have NOTES.

First of all, doing anything every day for four years means that some days, you’re going to slay and some days, you’re going to phone it in for the sake of showing up. There were days that I wouldn’t have practiced French if I wasn’t motivated to keep the streak, and I’m the one who chose to learn it in the first place. For fun!

The truth is that even when we have intrinsic motivation — in our work, in our relationships, or in our hobbies, we need discipline and consistency, and that doesn’t mean the spark is gone.

I also noticed that when I’ve used a Streak Freeze, I feel dirty! Like a fraud. I question the meaning of it all … What does a “streak” even mean if it’s not a streak? It’s like using weights in a bobsled. Take my gold medal away, coach!

But. The Streak Freezes are there for a reason; the app has decided that I’ve earned a pass (or a pas, as it were — French pun!) for being so disciplined and consistent. Because I’ve built trust in a consistent pattern over time, the behavior itself doesn’t have to be perfect. But obvi at some point, if I’m depending on streak freezes alone, then I would lose my swanky streak status pretty quickly.

And by the way, that fraudy feeling? Is basically the same thing I feel when I make a mistake in my relationship, with a dark wig and a thick accent. I know that apologizing and taking accountability won’t erase what happened, but I know that giving it all up and starting from zero isn’t the answer either.

This is the paradox of repair: the couples who consistently build trust aren’t the ones who rely on apologies to replace proactive effort. But those couples are the ones who have the most “money in the bank,” so that when they do need to repair, there’s a metaphorical streak freeze to patch things over. Duolingo has taught me every day that “being poor is expensive.” The more trust we build, the more grace we get. That doesn’t mean we’re always going to use that grace, but hopefully we can forgive ourselves (and our partners) for needing to dip into it at times. (BTW, if you want to hear more about repair-adoxes, I made a whole video on them.)

Putting the “jour” in “journey”

As humans, we’re driven by goals and milestones, and that’s amazing. But there are times when our focus on what’s next can derail us from enjoying the way there. I’ll always remember this time I invited a guy over to do a puzzle with me, and every time he got a piece he would say, “Ugh, well cool, I guess we’re one step closer to finishing this thing.”

After a few times of this, I got curious. “Dude, if I wanted the finished product, I would have just bought the print. For me, the puzzle is the point. But we can do something else — is this not fun for you?”

When I’m on Duolingo, sometimes I forget that the puzzle is the point.

“Awesome, I’m almost done with Section Four, then I have … SIX MORE?! … Oh wait, this is what I wanted.”

If I just wanted to translate French, I would get a wearable, or even take an immersion class because I know that they’re more effective. But I like Duolingo. I like the game of it. I like treating it like a meditation practice that teaches me everything in this article and more.

And there are so many things in my life that I can apply this to! Like, I was Duoling the whole time I was wedding planning, and it reminded me to not just focus on the goals like checking the venue off the list. It reminded me to enjoy the journey every day: To sing along with our “First Dance Possibilities” playlist with my fiancé on the drive to each one and laugh about how every love song actually sends a horrible message about relationships. To walk through all the empty gardens and reception halls and even as we pictured exchanging our vows all dressed up, we also got super excited about grabbing brunch down the street in our sneakers on a random Thursday.

So whenever I’m looking ahead and “can’t wait until ___” Duolingo has taught me to focus on the present tense.

This is what I wanted.

What does this mean in Nice?

And finally, Duolingo has taught me to look under the surface meaning.

The app is famous for teaching the most ridiculous sentences that we’ll never actually use in real life. This is partly to keep learners amused so that we’ll be motivated to come back.

It’s also to make sure that we’re not just memorizing common phrases, but that we’re truly understanding and practicing, Karate Kid style, the concepts underlying the language.

IMHO, we would all benefit from using a similar lens with the world, and especially with our partners. You probably know that most of the time, we’re not fighting about the literal thing that we’re discussing in the moment. The topic is a vehicle to practice, demonstrate, or explore a deeper concept that might not even be conscious or effable.

Duolingo teaches me to trust that the true lesson will become clear, and it also challenges me to articulate what I’m really looking for when I’m asking Zach to learn, “Why do you have two hundred potatoes in the suitcase?”

Et voila! There you have it. The Dao of Duolingo. The hidden lessons of language learning. Are there any that I’ve missed? Comment yours below and of course, consider this your permission slip to brag about your streak!

If you want more “Love in Translation” content, you will love my new podcast series all about repurposing the communication skills that we’re already rocking in other realms. It’s called “All I Really Need to Know About Relationships, I Learned From ___” and we’ll be distilling the wisdom of everything from running marathons to UX design to astrology. Stay tuned for more news, and make sure you subscribe to my Substack and get on the waitlist so you don’t miss the launch!