Depth Perception
I don't want to wade.
Hello my vulnerability vixens! Listen, I know you guys LIVE in the deep end so I’ll just get right to it, no lube. In my work with couples, I hear some variation of this question a lot:
“How do I get my partner to open up to me?”
Maybe you crave a yummy, deep-dish connection with them and the small talk feels more like cold Ragu on a Ritz.
Or maybe they put a wall up (complete with a moat and a three-headed dog) when you bring up something important to you.
Either way, I’ve got you. Here’s what I tell clients when they feel like they’re in a relationship wading pool:
Open up your definition of opening up
Think of vulnerability as a smorgasbord, not a hierarchy; in other words, instead of being on different levels, you guys might have different flavors of what feels edgy. Something that is super scary for me to share might not even be a blip on your radar, and vice versa.
So how do you you know what’s vulnerable for them?
You could ask, “What are the types of things that are hardest for you to share with me?”
You could also start paying more attention to how they’re saying something, and not just what they’re saying. When they’re sharing something vulnerable, you might notice signs that they’re feeling shy or nervous, even if the thing they’re sharing doesn’t feel spicy to you.
The powerful part of vulnerability isn’t the plot, unless you’re dating M. Night Shyamalan. It’s that you both know that your relationship is a safe place to share about the things you’re going through. (Including our wins! Did you know that research shows that joy is one of the scariest emotions?! Just goes to show that vulnerability is not one-size-fits all 😉)
BTW, minutes 28ish-37ish of this podcast will expand on the idea of different flavors of vulnerability:
Get real with yourself about why you want them to be more vulnerable
What specifically are you hoping will happen if they share more with you? Maybe you’ll feel more useful if you can support them. Maybe you’ll feel permission to lean on them when you have a challenge? Will you be entertained, more intimate, or maybe even feel like you’re doing things “right” in the relationship?
Figuring out what’s missing and what your goal is can be super empowering because you can see if their lack of vulnerability is really the only thing holding you back.
Get creative with communication and brainstorming around this! Bonus points for being the vulnerability you wish to see in your relationship, and sharing with them openly about your challenge. (Insider tip, “I need you to call me more when you’re on a trip” is not vulnerable. “When you’re on a trip, I really miss you and wonder if you’re thinking about me” is vulnerable.)
Become a safer person (What, like it’s hard?)
“But I’m already a safe person.”
Here’s the Catch-22: The safest people are the safest people because they are open to the ways that they might be coming across as unsafe.
And look, there are some people who are guarded no matter what. It might not be all on you. But it couldn’t hurt to make sure that when they are sharing things with you, or even dipping their toes in to test the waters, you’re hearing them fully, noticing your own defenses, and resisting the urge to give advice.
You might even need to work extra hard to build trust . . . ever noticed that movies, social media, and telemarketers are dripping with manipulative responses to our opening up? You can understand why your partner’s Spidey Sense might be on high alert when someone is asking them questions “just out of curiosity” when in any other context, that would be the preamble to a pyramid scheme pitch.
If you think you’re already sending them signals of safety, you’re probably mostly right. But just for funsies, check out Brene Brown’s talk on the Anatomy of Trust. She unpacks the tangible ways we can influence safety, and gives clear language to talk about it together.
And there you have it, love bug — the relationship SCUBA secrets to illuminate the intimacy you may already be swimming in 💖
Let me know how it goes!
