Getting support from the village without making your partner the villain
Those of us on our second (or fourth) Sex and the City rewatch: how do you feel about how the fab four talk with each other about their relationships? It’s not just kissing and telling; it’s sharing the most vulnerable moments of these poor, clueless New York dudes with a pretty judgmental jury. And when we’re in a relationship, of course we want to get our friends’ perspective on things, but at the same time, sharing too much about our arguments, our sex life, or our secret plans for world domination can actually damage our partnership.
But the alternative isn’t great either; if we keep everything between the two of us, we miss out on the support, creativity, and camaraderie of the people in our lives who know us best and have probably been through similar things. Couples Queen Esther Perel talks about the lost benefits of living in a closer-knit, thinner walled community where “You could hear every fight and you could hear every f v c k.”
So as I sat down to write this post, I couldn’t help but wonder … how can we spill the tea on our partners in a way that makes our relationship stronger? Is it possible to upgrade that tea from cheap Liptons in styrofoam while we’re waiting for our rental car … to the glorious Harrods spread with all the little sandwiches?
Here are my thoughts:
What’s the point?
Not, like, existentially, but just for the conversation.
When we’re approaching a friend about a challenge in our relationship, it can really help to lead with what you’re wanting.
“Hey, can I just vent about something for like five minutes?”
Or, “I could really use your perspective. I’m not sure what to do because I’m in it, you know?”
Basically, help them help you!
This can keep you on track and avoid the feeling of pure smack-talking, which is important for a few reasons:
🌟 When you’re complaining about your partner, it can keep the conflict locked in place; your brain tells you that you’ve done something about it, so you’re less likely to bring it up with them directly
🌟 It sends you an internal message that your partner is an enemy, or at least a major eye-roll
🌟 You’re associating the yummy feeling of bonding with your friends with the practice of complaining about your partner, so subconsciously next time you feel like connecting with someone, you might default to looking for things to complain about.(By the way, if gossiping feels super yummy to you, you're not alone!)
Describe the conflict in the context of values
We always tell the story like we’re the Zen Master of Communication, and our partner is losing their mind over something completely reasonable.
Does this sound familiar?
“So I very calmly said, ‘Sweetheart, what if we compromised and went in April?’ and he went totally ballistic. Like, FULL CAPSLOCK: ‘NO. IT HAS TO BE NEXT WEEK!’"
We’re always the damsel in distress and our partner is totally out of line. And look, I know it feels like you’re the one being communicative and reasonable, and they’re being ridiculous. But have you ever considered that from their perspective, it’s same-same-but-flipped?
Plus: I get that we want to look good for our friends (trust me - I’ve been that damsel more times than I’d like to admit!)
But even if that is the goal? I have news … Ironically, it makes us look better if we talk about our partners as equals.
So try to summarize the conflict as a result of you both prioritizing different values. Suddenly the narrative is not, “How do I help my ill-informed and low-EQ sweetie not be closed off to my objectively correct perspective?”
Instead it’s, “Man. This is a tough decision. How have you guys navigated things like this?”
In the example above, you might say something like, “Yeah we’re really struggling with this one; he likes to be spontaneous and adventurous and he’s more willing to write off all the inconveniences and reschedule with people to make it happen … but I’m more inclined to push harder for a time that wouldn’t interfere with as many things to begin with because I try to keep commitments once I’ve made them.”
See how neither of our values is right or wrong, they’re just bumping up against each other?
And see how framing it that way makes you seem like two amazing adults who both have valid points?
And how you’ll get better support from your friend than, “Wow, sorry your partner sucks so much.”
AND do you see how getting your reps in by practicing Values Tawk will help you when you’re in a direct convo with your partner too?
My advice? If you do want to do some victim/villain venting, try it in a journal or with a therapist! There’s a really good reason that we go to those extremes, and it can be helpful to get in brainstorm mode before seeing what’s underneath. Then once you’ve scratched the itch, use something like Brene Brown’s list of values to think about the situation in a different way.
Voluntary Vulnerability
Finally, if you’re going to talk about your relationship with someone besides your partner, do your best to match the level of sharing to how much you trust the person, and don’t be afraid to stop when you’re done. You probably already know that you don’t owe people all the SATC-style BTS, but consider this post your permission slip to change the subject if you need to.
For me, it feels best to go broad with casual friends and deeper with my inner circle. And when in doubt, starting vague and then having a “choose-your-own-adventure” flow is an amazing way to build a connection just on the edge of my comfort zone.
(I actually have to remind myself sometimes to push that edge: how else would people get into the inner circle if I don’t take the risk to be vulnerable?)
If I’m grabbing a drink with a new-ish friend, I might just say:
"So my husband and I just had an argument, and this one loop totally stumps me. I’ve been working on doing [healthier thing] instead of [old self-sabotage move], but easier said than done, you know? Have you ever dealt with something similar?”
Boom.
It’s real, it’s kind, and I’m not forcing my friend into a caretaking role; they can respond as much or as little as they want.
The key? Focus on your own role (“I’m struggling with xyz dynamic” instead of, “My partner is SO annoying when they abc”) and remember that you’re planting seeds for your people to give you perspective for (hopefully!) decades to come. What we share is powerful; our friends don’t see the whole story, and if we “lead the witness” to look good in the moment, those distortions will be mirrored back to us.
So now I’m curious … if someone only knew your partner based on how you talk about them, what would they believe?
And more importantly: is that a story you actually want to tell?
Drop a comment and tell me one way you’ve seen relationship ‘gossip’ make things better? Let’s meet at the virtual water-cooler and whisper about it!
